Oluwadamilola Adeniyi Oyekan
5 min readJan 19, 2022

Do we really move-on?

Without any contradiction, the end of a relationship is the worst especially if you are the one putting more effort to making it work (it exudes you are less powerful in the relationship). It’s very difficult, it’s emotionally and psychologically exhausting, it’s stressful and, well it’s heartbreaking.

Seeing the person, or people around you asking about the person and all can make you feel impossible surviving the breakup. Whilst we all process intangible pain differently, it’s very imperative to learn how to move on. Not only for your emotional wellbeing, but also so you’re ready and open to meet someone else who matches your “healed you” in the future.

But the question is “Do we really move-on”? We throw the words around “I have moved on”, or “am moving on” without any conscious effort of internalizing what happened and healing from it, also learning from the situations that created the break-up so as not to repeat the same thing in the next relationship or rather living in a loop. What we do is we just jump from one relationship to another, using the other person as a distraction to get over our ex(s). Your current woman or man need not suffer the sins of your ex(s). Before you go into another relationship, heal up, forgive your ex. Then start afresh, with a clean slate and with the same level of vulnerability you had with your ex. With that you will enjoy the next relationship, you will bring all your energy in and polarize your partner rightly.

If you are still stuck with your ex emotionally, not to even mention psychologically; you have no business being in a relationship.

I realize that most people can’t be alone and would rather be with anybody than be single. If your partner is still emotionally attached to an ex, throw them away lol (just let them go)

The reason we have hurt people hurting people is because many of us that are hurt are not willing to get healed rather, we just bounce on available relationships and subconsciously continue the vicious cycle of hurting those that didn’t hurt us because someone else’s hurt us. That cycle needs to be broken. “Healed peopled heal people”; this is the new cycle we need to create now.

The break-up of a relationship can trigger a cascade of chemicals that make you feel lonely, depressed, and worthless — especially if you see the rejecter as “the one for you.” You are not crazy, you’re in a natural state of distress. All these are no doubt painful, however making yourself better for the next person would be a perfect thing to do if you are really moving on.

Here are a few tips I think if you are pragmatic about could set you on that healing journey.

Face your grief. It can be tempting to avoid grief. You may be fearful that it will be too painful, especially because you’ve lost someone and something precious. But repressing your grief can result in depression, anxiety, obsession, suppressed immune system, and chronic despair. Avoiding grief keeps you feeling stuck and powerless. Allow yourself to cry over it all. If you hold it in, you’ll delay the moving-on process.

Don’t play the blame game. There are always two people in a relationship, well only if you are the one dating/courting yourself; there are some relationships like that, and in that case, you are to be blamed 100%.

Since there are two parties involved, and thus two perspectives. Two parties make mistakes, two of you didn’t match enough to make it work. “It’s normal to feel guilty or angry, but neither of you was ever perfect in your relationship. Try your best not to feed into ideas that you never deserved your ex or that they never deserved you. It was a two-way street, end of the story. Once you can face this, you can begin to face the fact that you will one day be happy without them.

Take your time to reflect and learn from the relationship, do some introspection and be honest with yourself. “Honesty is the first step towards healing.”

Limit and eventually put a stop to the routines you guys do together. For example, don’t visit frequently the places you used to go together — like restaurants, parks, or watering holes. If you went for daily walks or jogs in the park together, go to another park for a while or take a different route.

As time passes, you can start to return to areas and spots that remind you of your ex-partner, but you should practice creating dissimilar associations. “It’s a classic case of human conditioning. To fall out of love, destroy all your associations,” So, it’s not the ice cream shop where you first said “I love you” — it’s the ice cream shop that carries the best vegan flavours in town.

Don’t stay connected — online or off. You can’t move on while following your ex’s every post on Facebook. You also can’t watch their Instagram stories and not feel a tug at your heartstrings. One basic rule of a breakup is to disconnect on all social media platforms. Though it will be the hardest thing you’ll do, removing their phone number so you aren’t tempted to text when you’re unstably nostalgic or in a particularly low moment. “The more distance you can create between you and your ex, the quicker you will be on your road to recovery,” Continuing to reach out usually only leads to more hurt and emotional confusion.

Keep yourself busy. Register for the gym, start taking those classes you’d wanted to take. When you preoccupy your mind with activities, the memory of the person fades with time.

Don’t have casual sex. As tempting as it may be, in most cases, it only sets back the healing process, How come? You’ll feel connected to them afterwards, creating confusing feelings of attachment and even jealousy, if you know they’ve started seeing other people. It could feel right at the moment, but within a day (or even a few hours), you’ll feel worse than before you gave in. “It takes time and effort, but you have to allow yourself the space to become whole again, to get to know yourself and build up your self-esteem, “Stay away from casual sex — you’ll thank yourself in the long run.”

Ask for help. Open up to people, talk to those that will tell you the truth and not those that will appeal to your emotions by making you feel good. You don’t need to feel good, you need to be healed!

Remember, “Time doesn’t heal anything, it’s what you do with the time that heals everything.” ~Oluwadamilola Oyekan